A crime is imminent, a grand theft of a million dollars, and dare I say, of the hearts of viewers everywhere. The countdown has nearly expired. Here are the suspects:
Tony Vlachos, aka Big T, T Bone, The Copfather, Tony Diesel
While sources suggest his associates have put a hit out on him, Vlachos remains our prime suspect. Our investigation team is unsure of how Mr Vlachos could pull off a job of this magnitude while he is being targeted by fellow criminals, but we have learned over the last few months NEVER to count him out of the fight.
Occupation: Cop/fake construction worker/Llama
Strengths: Playing Survivor, lying, eating pizza, rocking a bandana, shack building
Weaknesses: Paranoia, ego, slide puzzles
Family status: Investigators have been unable to reliably confirm whether Vlachos has one or more wives, husbands, girlfriends or boyfriends, one or more babies of either gender, or, indeed, even if he has parents.
Known associates: Vlachos has an extensive network or connections, many of whom believe he has sworn his loyalty to them. While he may have disciples, Vlachos, like all dangerous men, does not have any real friends. He trusts no one enough to work with them on this heist.
Spencer Bledsoe, aka Spence, Young Man
Profilers have been surprised to see Bledsoe rise through the criminal ranks due to his unpleasant personality and awkward facial expressions, but his chess expertise and physical abilities have seen him pull off some impressive feats. Mr Bledsoe would not be the first unlikeable thief to take the million and our grudging respect.
Occupation: Student, since debate continues as to whether ‘Chess Expert’ is a real job
Strengths: Winning when it counts, doing puzzles
Weaknesses: Facial expressions, keeping his mouth shut, humility
Family status: Single, we can only assume
Known associates: All of Bledsoe’s previous gang members have fallen, victims of the ongoing bloodshed of Survivor. He has an uneasy alliance with one Kass McQuillen and has made overtures towards Woo Hwang, but we believe he will make his attempt on the millions alone.
Woo Hwang, aka The Ninja, Hunter of Papayas
It is surprising to see someone as likeable and harmless as Mr Hwang considering a crime of this nature, we consider him something of a fish out of water. Fellow criminals are unlikely to want to team up with him due to his honesty and vulnerability but should he find himself facing the safe, millions on view, we believe he may be capable of previously unseen cunning. No one can really be that relaxed, RIGHT?
Occupation: Martial Arts Instructor, please note this may be cover for his true occupation as a Ninja
Strengths: Looks, climbing, balance, finding clues in pants, entertaining children, stealth
Weaknesses: Puzzles, seriously guys, he cannot do puzzles
Known associates: Tony, and children all over the world
Not a Suspect
Kass McQuillen, aka Chaos Kass, Llama
Agents, if you see Kass McQuillen, do not be alarmed, she is not considered a suspect. Let her go about her business.