Episode 4: WHO’S ON FIRST?

Mana arrive back in the dark and Tai is glad not to be in the dark, proving his worth by removing Caleb. Tai declares that he is playing with his head and then struggles to locate it.

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Tai used so much sand last week he lost his own head.

Debbie is wearing Monica 2.0’s hat. Hang on! She is wearing Culpepper’s hat? Clothes sharing = tight bonds.

Craig Confession

Bless Tai, he voted out his man crush. Poor thing and now can’t find his head. Are we actually getting to see some Hali game? Finally, here she comes. Lets see how long it lasts as honestly it’s about time gurl, finally you did more than just batter those big blues.

I’m loving Debbie. She has totally come in here with a new game plan and is sticking to it. Luv the approach of no previous game ties. She is so good to watch. Although I am missing the Debbie confessionals of “The Swiss Army Knife Debbie”. 

WHERE HAS THIS CULPEPPER BEEN? I apologies to people that knew from before, I dont think it’s WWMD anymore as that woman never played as good as you. Go Brad. Yes Phe O Be I am turning (no pun).

OMG I luv Survivor. After that “Bitch stole my idol” i have finally gotten my flame back and am really loving this season and being able to bring my opinion to all of you. PS. Welcome Mr Iadanza, how delicious, lets just hope he doesn’t talk about that time we voted him out of Vavau xxxx

REWARD

In a blink of an eye we’re off to reward. Team Loud Shirts and Team JT’s Screwed are stunned to not see Caleb’s chiseled bod walking in.

What’s on offer for reward? A colonic cleansing by the looks of all the coffee provided by Probsty. If that isn’t unsettling enough Jeff says only two people form each tribe will compete… All of the meatheads bar plant head Tai compete. They must balance a ball on a pole, go through a balance course and then throw sand bags at totems.

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Coffee moves quickly

Ozzy, JT and Tai run the course with Tavua getting through first, closely followed by Nuku. Malcolm blitzes the sandbag throwing for Nuku and they rejoice in the idea of shitting their pants for the next 24 hours. Languishing behind WWMD goes ape shit and somehow beats Troyzan to the punch! Troyzan has made himself public enemy number one.

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Tai – “Wax on Culpepper son”

Craig Confession

God I would have killed for a coffee in Samoa, JLP Get on it. I love the challenges, but honestly, how hardcore are the ones that single out the people that have to perform, and the people that dont? Typical Ozzy Mr I can do everything. Ow wait, he dropped it, he is human. Troyzan is still a dick. I’m sorry, he just is. lucky he has an idol as he keeps digging his grave. Malcom is a subtle Ozzy isnt he? Just without the jungle man, climb palm trees vibe.

TAVUA

Ozzy makes the grievous error of a Survivor competitor by saying he feels “confident” and that they “need” him. He then goes on to claim that he doesn’t want to toot his own horn… and then… TOOT HIS OWN HORN.

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Calm down Ozzy!

NUKU

Sandra is on cloud 9 thanks to the caffeine hit and her uncontrollable ego, “I’m running the show”. JT has other plans and conspires with Malcolm to oust Sandra.

Craig Confession

Ozzy “Not to toot my own horn” please that’s all you do, HELLO! BE HUMBLE. I agree with Andrea and that seeing Ozzy in action would be amazing and the whole WTF DO YOU COME FROM but he needs to take a breath and just stop the “Ozzy I’m Amazingness”

Coffee and Sugar do wonders. Is it smart for JT to throw the only other winners name out there? Well it’s good he can see Sandra’s control, but it’s also GREAT and shows that pre-winners don’t really come into thinking anymore like they did in All Stars. GAME EVOLUTION!

IMMUNITY

This episode is moving at break neck speed, all of a sudden we’re at immunity. Slow down Probst, slow down camera men with all of the quick zooming lenses, my head is spinning!

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Ozzy is ready!

Ozzy Long Stockings hands back immunity and Probst lays it all on the line… there will be one caller per team whilst everyone else is blindfolded so they can injure their groins and strain vocal chords. Cruel… cruel challenge. Once the bruising in their genitals subsides and the blindfolded duos locate hanging ropes, Nickelodeon goo will be released and some balls for the inevitable puzzle maze.

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Zeke collects the balls

If that isn’t enough Probst drops the bomb…

“By the way guys… TWO TRIBES WILL GO TO TRIBAL!”

Sweet Jesus.

Varner, Cirie and Culpepper do their best local market butchers impression by bellowing out advice. Although I think Varner thinks he is on the set of a Ron Jeremy film, he just keeps on shouting “Haul Ass” every five seconds. Nuku and Tavua get to the puzzle first, Ozzy has done this maze before against Cochran in South Pacific and on heals of JT, both all stars land a ball. Mana are not even a chance of winning and decide that Sierra and Hali are the way to win… sigh. In a nail biting finish it is up to Varner and Andrea to take home the hero title. Varner stumbles at the last second and Andrea takes it home for Team Loud Shirts! Varner cries, Mana sighs.

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Easy Chewie

HOLD YOUR BUFFS! WHAT THE HELL! JEFF YOU MAGNIFICENT BASTARD!

Both tribes will go to tribal together, all eleven of them will sit together and vote only one person out. Survivor first. Jeff just Game Changed the Game Changers!

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You sexy genius

Craig Confession

UMMMMM Noticed that 2nd place idol is simply a bit of rope on a boat tie…………….where has the Symbolism gone JEFF?

God I’m glad we never had to do the traditional Survivor Challenge of blind folded shit, my groin hurts just thinking of the possibilities. Even though I would have been the SCREAMING voice. I do have to say though, I love these challenges and wish we did have one in Samoa. Ow look at Sierra Dawn Thomas step up. Go Bitch Go, show them why your here. Told you Andrea was good Troyzan you dick. Poor Varner. He is so good, the disappointment on his face is so shit. I don’t think he needs to worry, but hey… its Survivor.

OMG ONE GROUP ONE PERSON! God they know how to do it don’t they. BRILLIANT SURVIVOR; never saw that coming. I honestly thought it would be a Nick and Connor 2.0

PRE TRIBAL

NUKU

Malcolm says something about playing the game on paper. Yawn. Sandra knows they must stick together and vote 6-5. Varner knows this is the time for an individual to go silly. JT discusses options with Malcolm. Why is no one looking for an idol?

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Nuku waiting for someone to tell them what to do

MANA

Culpepper refers to Hali as “Blue Eyes”… not sure Monica would have been a misogynistic pig Brad. He then yaps on about death row and bonding. Sandra must go according to WWMD and he believes that JT will know what he is thinking. Dangerous! Hali thinks she has options now. Hali you don’t. You are here for pure annoyance factor.

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Hali – Blue Eyes

FINALLY someone looks for an idol and of course it’s Tai. I am fist pumping. Go Tai! He finds the clue and then the idol “You never give up!” says the bald beauty. Damn straight. Sierra says she is terrified and I am terrified of her eyebrows.

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It’s getting silly now Sierra…

Craig Confession

It’s very simply on paper, but papers the only place its simple. That should be written into the Survivor bible. Ryan V D Brink you onto that? EEEHHHHH The mistake of thinking nobody has an idol, learnt that the hard way.

Who do you think Brad will target. Wow. Culpepper is a clear player in these peoples minds. To the point of in control. Did I just absolutely miss this Brad in Blood vs. Water? It’s honestly a new person and I am enjoying it. Although to be a known power player already and on peoples radar is a shit thing. You never trust a flipper Hali!

That little Asian Chicken man is amazing. How do some people get so blessed with finding IDOLS. FFS. It pisses me off. THEN HE TELLS EVERYONE? God what a move. It is such a hard decision to do something like that. I mean I had a clue and pondered telling people continuously, but to have an actual idol and spill the beans. He has balls and I think it was a really good move. 1 it helps your numbers and 2 subconsioulsy bonds you with your tribe and makes them have a warm fuzzy about you.

TRIBAL

Eleven torches. Eleven buffs. Eleven anxious Survivors. Malcolm does his usual obvious statements. Culpepper goes full western talk and drops the “Mexican stand off” analogy which is expectedly met by Sandra’s mobster analogy of the “guns being pointed at demselves”. Culpepper tries to Inception JT by saying the biggest threat needs to go… Nudge nudge, wink wink, Sandra Sandra. Debbie says Hali may flip. I have no idea what the hell is going on, all I know is nobody likes Hali.

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Go away Hali

What transpires next is the worst effort of a game of Chinese Whispers you will ever see. Resembling an Abbott and Costello routine everyone is whispering to everyone and throwing up twenty different scenarios! This is insane. Probst is speechless. Aubry talking about carrier pigeons actually is the most logical thing that transpires. How on earth can carrier pigeons be the most logical thing. JT tells Brad that they are voting for Sierra amongst the chaos.

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What on earth is going on?

Hali then ensconces herself as the most disliked Survivor in history by telling Jeff Probest she is not ready to vote. NO ONE PUTS JEFF IN THE CORNER! NO ONE!

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Culpepper disapproves of Hali

They go to vote. Culpepper is voting for the best player in the game. Varner says he will soil himself if this person has an idol, just a word of advice Varner, it ain’t the idol making you shit yourself it’s all that coffee!

The votes are about to be read… TAI STANDS UP… AHHHHHHH… HE PLAYS THE IDOL ON SIERRA! Sandra looks like the coffee has finally moved through her lower intestine. No one knows what the hell is going on.

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Idol in yo face!

Votes are read… Eyebrows, Eyebrows, Dear lord Tai guessed right the bald genius, Eyebrows, Eyebrows, Eyebrows, Eyebrows, Malcolm! Malcolm! Malcolm! Someone get me a cold towel!

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Malcolm takes it well…

Malcolm says he could vomit and so could I. Only difference is mine is through sheer excitement.

I need to lie down.

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Malcolm on his way out…

Craig Confession

What a true TRIBAL. I love the conniving and in play chat. THATS WHAT TRIBAL SHOULD BE. Screw this whole “I cant fight for my life” #talkattribal DO IT. So good. I would be pissing myself at this tribal. WTF is going to happen! No wonder Sierra Dawn Thomas is looking like a deer in headlights. PS Does she know her eyebrows look like that? PS WTF JT? Lets tell them? Does nobody remember he gave his idol to Russell? HELLO! Bitch just threw his tribe under the bus so slit the Bitches throat. This is one of the best Tribal Councils ever.

I DIDNT CONSENT? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Hali you silly Mole. Wait WAIT WTF IS HAPPENING NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO I didn’t expect this. This is shit. Looks like Varner is going to shit himself. It should have been JT. But does this show how good of a player he is and a player that makes mega risky moves? YES. FAAARRKKKKKK Sorry Malcolm you poor bastard, I feel like I am going to be sick also. Can’t wait to see the reaction next week.

PS CULPEPPER WHERE HAVE YOU COME FROM? Do It! Do It! Tip my hat to you. Culpepper made Tai’s idol play happen and shows he has evolved and my turning is so much more. APPLAUSE TO YOU CULPEPPER. Although I am going to vomit too, JT – Culpepper played you STUPID BITCH.  God do you think he has learned to SHUT HIS MOUTH? No. JT GO like NOW. This just shows you how amazing and brutal this game can be with Malcom going. Did any off you think he would? I bet NO.

PPS I am sorry i am having Deja Vu……………………Idol played………………………random go home………………………….Damn you Phe O Be!

GUEST POWER RANKER: NICK IADANZA (Australian Survivor)

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Nick Iadanza joins us this week as Phoebe is getting her life together for her big interstate move. Having a Superfan like Nick onboard to take us through the power distribution is a blast. Enjoy!

MANA

1. Tai

My winner pick. I think he has built up some real capital in the game with his honesty with the idol and his willingness to play a team game and share it. If I was Sierra I would be hitching my wagon to him after he saved my life in the game.

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2. Sierra

A lot of my points here revolve around the preview for next week. It seems a lot of heat is heading Brad’s way so that would drop him and raise his second in command. I also think Hali seems closest to Sierra now because of the tribal shenanigans and that’s good for ‘Fan Favourite’ SDT

3. Brad

His positive edit thus far bodes well for him so the fact I have him so low is only because of the preview for next week. PS- how excited where you all when we saw the return of Culpepper maths!

4. Hali

Voting with the group puts her in a OK spot, but some of her cagey comments about voting out threats, and not ‘consenting’ to vote yet might make her Mana tribemates still feel a little sketchy. Her matching tattoo with Sierra might be enough to keep her from the bottom spot.

5. Debbie

Based only on the preview and how pissed she seems. I have a feeling we will leave the episode with more ‘poor Debbie’ than ‘crazy Debbie’. Watch this space

NUKU

1. Sandra

ALL HAIL MY QUEEN!!! We’re not worthy! I was so convinced she was going. But at this point I feel the editors like making her the decoy vote because we are all so invested in her surviving. She has the balls to say she’s calling the shots (which she is) and still was not the #1 target for Mana. AND THAT’S WHY SHE’S THE QUEEN! Now let’s all sacrifice a baby goat in her honour.

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2. Varner

Seems closest to Sandra and I reckon that’s a good place to be… for now.

3. Michaela

I’m surprisingly indifferent to Michaela and that’s why she’s nestled in right in the middle for me. Not good. Not bad.

4. Aubry

Her edit is so inconsequential this season that it makes me sad. I have a feeling she won’t be around for much longer

5. JT

The Queen has you in her sights JT and your ‘Aw Shucks’ country charm won’t wash with our Mother of Dragons. She’s going to have you walking the plank like she did Thunder D back in Pearl Islands. Adios!

TAVUA

1. Troyzan

With that crotch idol he surely can’t be going next.

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2. Ozzy

IT SUCKS but I see him getting the better of Cirie in this heavily referenced feud. Anyone else OVER Ozzy and his God-like fishing skills? I went out a bunch of times with the flippers and the Hawaiian Sling and all I caught were tonnes of scratches all over my body from the coral. He makes me feel so inadequate. Someone vote him out already!

3. Zeke

Meh. Great confessionals but nothing to go on thus far this season

4. Sarah

Inconsequential so hard to say. Her only good confessional was one where she talked about duping Cirie. YOU KEEP YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF MY BAE!

5. Cirie

Until I see Probst hand over that million dollar cheque at a finale I will stress about Cirie’s position in the game. Who in their right mind will let her slip through the net once she’s got her butt on one of those Tribal Council stumps? She’s benefitted so far from a good winning streak but it’s just such a long uphill battle for her to get to the end. #prayforCirie

6. Andrea

The conversation with Troyzan last week seemed like too much foreshadowing for me. Her going home seems the only thing that will save Cirie from the chopping block. I LOVE me some Andrea, but if it’s between her and everyone’s favourite Couch Potato turned Jedi mind warrior, sorry Boehlke.

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Snake out!

MALCOLM EXIT

Thanks to Nick for jumping in this week! For someone who has always disliked Malcolm I found this exit interview to be raw, honest and a side that we don’t usually get to see. The pain he expresses is real and a great insight into how Survivor can take a toll on you more so mentally than physically.

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